Surely one of the most bizarre things ever in pop (hey, articulacy!) is the fact that VH1 once made a TV film about Def Leopard. In America. Personally I would like to see it to gauge how they handled the drummer. And whether or not Yank locations were blithely used to stand in for Sheffield, a la Austin Powers. "Yes Joe, it IS astounding how much like Los Angeles the city center looks these days."

The fact-based pop film is an odd beast, and mark my words it can only get odder. It's no longer necessary for directors just to focus on 'the greats' (The Doors, Elvis, endless Beatles biopics). If a niche demographic can be proved, the cash can and will be stumped up somewhere along the line. VH1 made Def Leopard, so the equally profitable (one imagines) MTV 2 (the 'alternative' channel) will surely want a look-in as well. I mean, look at 24 Hour Party People. Here is a film in which Vinni Reiley, Ian Curtis, Shaun Ryder and Bez are characters! If this can open in the cinemas then anything can... (looks wistful... the image blurs into soft focus...)

LIVE AT THE WITCH TRIALS!
Christopher Eccleston IS Mark E Smith !!
Liza Tarbuck IS Brix Smith!!
The League Of Gentlemen ARE The Band (all incarnations)!!
"The minute-uh I saw ya darlin' I knew you were the one for me-uh, like."
"Oh Mark, that's so romantic! Let's get married right now!"
"Fuckin' 'ell love, let me finish my pint at least-uh!"

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT
"Danny Boyle has succeeded in bringing the story of The Jam to the big screen with a fast-paced punk spirit similar to that of the New Wave music which blasted forth from their Rickenbacker guitars. Ewan MacGregor looks surprisingly youthful as Paul Weller, particularly convincing during the concert scenes, filmed on DV with such clarity that you'll feel you were actually there. Rumours that a sequel, My Favourite Shop, is in the pipeline seem confirmed by a poignant final scene in which a windswept Weller, resplendent in a white Mac, stalks Brighton Pier as a Thatcher speech rings out across the heavens..." -Sight and Sound review

THE GODSPEED YOU BLACK EMPEROR SHOW!
New to ITV1 in the spring, a hilarious new comedy series following the exploits of a group of ramshackle Canadian musicians desperate to hit the big time! The one-hour pilot episode sets the scene with the plucky young band dumping their disco tracks for a groovy new rock sound. But their crafty record label manager has other ideas!!
Zefram: "We walked for hours with nowehere to go. Our hearts were bleeding with the emptiness of the landscape. All around us there was - AWW FER CRYIN' OUT LOUD, WHO FILLED ME BOOTS WITH QUICK-SETTING CONCRETE?!?!"

[...]

Well, like I say, it might happen. Rather these than the inevitable 'The Kurt Cobain Story'. ("One man. One guitar. One destiny" etc). So, who would YOU like to see ruined on film? Answers on a naughty postcard to...